"Therapeutic" parenting

How do you get other (spouses, family members, friends, teachers etc) to understand how you are parenting and how do you get them on board?

I personally have 2 distinct advantages in this field. The first is single parenting-- no undermining, no convincing, no triangulating. The second is being a Montessori teacher- certified in early childhood and well respected in my field- people generally assume I have a clue. (Haha to them!)

That hasn't stopped well meaning extended family members, random supermarket people, or others from commenting on certain aspects of my parenting.

For example: about 6 months ago I was shopping at a grocery store we affectionately call "Whole Check" because they sell predominantly health centered foods- it gets pricey. I made the mistake of going on wednesday at about 5. Me and every one else in big city. My daughter was getting hungry, crowded and needed more attention than I was able to focus soley on her. So I made a comforting action- I picked her up and put her on my hip. She was 8 almost 9. After about 5 min I noticed an older lady "stalking" us. My dd has a quick smile (aka charming) and is very polite (aka CHARMING) and so I am used to people noticing her. It didn't cross my mind again until we were at the check out counter. The woman approached us and said loudly "BABY! BABY! BABY! Put that girl down! You are spoiling her like a big baby! " I was flustered for 2 seconds before I taught my daughter a new word when I said "you need to BACK THE FU*K UP!" Suddenly the security, manager, and everyone else was there and the security escorted her from the store. The staff was lovely about it. My sweet girl did well and beamed with pride that I had protected her from "the mean lady". The manager fell all over himself trying to make sure I was a happy camper.

This lady couldn't silence her need to tell me that carrying my 8 year old was spoiling. The more I thought about it- the more I realized as an older child parent, I'd missed out in years of such advice reminding me to make my infant wear socks, or not suck her thumb, or not breastfeed past 3 months or whatever.

But those who know your family is new probably want to give you advice too. Such as my well meaning aunt who announced that by making my daughter follow rules to the letter with out variation I was hurting my child's feelings. This is the aunt I will be calling so I can take myself on a mommy vacation to Orlando in 2013. You keep her for a week and tell me what happens when the rules and expectations get lax.

I could explain trauma and RAD to people until I am blue in the face. Guess what? No one wants to believe that a child has been treated so badly- they are so wounded emotionally- that they require specialized parenting. They want to believe my love is all she needs to be "a normal little girl". And love is a HUGE part of it- the root of it- the core of it- EVERYTHING I DO IS OUT OF LOVE. But I can't sit around and wait hoping love seeps into her, I have to guide it. That's where the therapeutic part comes in.

So what do I say to all these well meaning, caring souls? "I am practicing attachment parenting."

Oh. Well that makes sense to them. They get that "attachment" should happen in adoption. And they have heard of that attachment parenting stuff before. Some of them breast fed, or co slept or had a baby sling.

And for those t that need more specific information, I can turn to trusty old Dr. Sears. They've heard of him too. And by jove, they had that book of his when their baby was little.
These principles are taken from Dr. Sears - The Baby Book, and are what he calls the 7 Baby B's of Attachment Parenting.

1. Birth Bonding - Connect With Your Baby Early

"The way baby and parents get started with one another often sets the tone of how this early attachment unfolds."

So she may not be a baby- but we are bonding like crazy. We are always doing some "bonding". Rather than explain why time in works "we're bonding" why we can't go on a 2 day cruise with 15 families from church "we're bonding". We are always bonding.

2. Belief in Your Baby's Cries - Read & Respond to Your Baby's Cues

"Pick up your baby when he cries. As simple as this sounds, there are many parents who have been told to let their babies cry it out, for the reason that they must not reward "bad" behavior. But newborns don't misbehave; they communicate the only way nature allows them to."

Traumatized kids don't misbehave either. My daughter uses her behavior as cries- attention, structure, freedom, hungry, tired, scared. My job is to get in tune with her cries, and respond appropriately.

3.Breastfeed Your Baby

"The benefits of breastfeeding in enhancing baby's health and development are enormous, but what is not fully appreciated are the magnificent effects of breastfeeding on the mother."

If your adopted child is young enough- I advocate adoptive breastfeeding. Mine was 7. We went with bottles and pacis and caramels while rocking rocking rocking her daily. I have to feed the "baby" that is still scared and feels worthless and alone, so my big girl can come out to shine.

4.Babywearing - Carry Your Baby a Lot

"It's good for the baby, and it makes life easier for the mother"

Clearly I am rocking this one! But physical closeness comes in many forms! It can be rocking, piggy back rides, swimming, snuggling, even a bit of the rough housing! TOUCH YOUR CHILD EVERY DAY.

5.Bedding Close to Baby

"Most babies the world over sleep with their parents. Even in our own culture more and more parents enjoy this sleeping arrangement - they just don't tell their friends or relatives about it."

This one can be trickier because of some childrens histories. My dd has co-slept and now often sleeps on a sleeping bag on my floor. I have slept many a night in her room (she has two twin beds) too. Guess what? Co-sleepers don't go to college still wanting to sleep with mama. This could be a nap time thing even. Or as simple as letting her sleep in your old tee shirts, or with your childhood bear. The point is- physical closeness and comfort.

6.Balance & Boundaries

".how to be appropriately responsive to your baby, which means knowing when to say yes and when to say no, and also have the wisdom to say yes to your own needs. When mom and dad are doing well, baby will also do well."

Did you hear that? Dr. Sears said TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TOO.

7.Beware of Baby Trainers

"Be prepared to be the target of well-meaning advisers who will shower you with detachment advice, such as: Let her cry it out, Get her on a schedule, You shouldn't still be nursing her, and Don't pick her up so much, you're spoiling her. If carried to the extreme, baby training is a lose-lose situation"

Learn to say "I am attachment parenting." And "our therapist advises we do it this way." And "back off."
And prepare to create distance between yourself and those who seek to create self doubt, or undermine you.

Every single child is different. Your attachment/therapeutic parenting may not look like mine. That's ok. When we are operating under the same basic guidelines- its good stuff!

People don't have to "get it". "It" hurts. "It" sucks. But we can help them respect it, by setting boundaries and explaining in ways that they do get.

And other times you just have to tell people to "BACK THE FU*K UP!" :)
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