What expectations did I have of my daughter before parenting her?
What expectations do I have now?
How do those expectations color my experience as her parent?
In the trauma world we often use variations of the word "heal" as an indicator of our childrens progress/status/place at a given point in time.
"She is healing."
"He is healed."
"He can not heal."
"She does not want to heal."
"I need personal healing."
"We are healing."
"My kids are healed."
Healing is a funny word. If you scrape you knee- it heals. If you have a traumatic brain injury- you can heal-partially, fully, not at all. If you are mentally ill- healing may be fleeting.
My dd was presented to me as a child with severe cognitive deficits (file read moderate mental retardation) and autism. She was also dx'd with RAD, PTSD, and ODD. Abc's had been picked up and dropped repeatedly for her in her early years.
So when, regardless of that information, assured them that YES I wanted to adopt her- I expected......a girl whose biggest challenges would be self care. Life long in home care. Making provisions for my adult child after my death so there would not be gaps in her constant care.
Then I met her. I am not a diagnostitian. I am a teacher. Its my job to make observations- not judgments, decisions, or diagnosis. BUT I had taught children who had MR and Autism before. And this just wasn't that. Gut. Instinct.
By the time I'd gotten 3 months in I'd decided that these diagnosis were wrong. My team of support (dr, teacher, therapist etc) agreed.
Its the RAD. Its been so debilitating for her for seven years (at that point) that she was consumed with life or death fear 24/7. She couldn't focus on potty training because she couldn't release control. She couldn't learn anything because she couldn't release control.
Ask me how she's doing...."She's healing."
But make no mistake. I by no means ever expect my child to respond to the world the way her neuro typical peers do. "Healed" isn't really going to be some happy "normal" paradise where its just like 7 years of neglect plus 3 years of starvation and abuse never happened.
Progress as defined as movement toward a goal is not what I see here. Because my "goal" for her is as big as a football field. She lands anywhere in it, and that would be awesome. Even if she lands in the concession stand waiting line or in the loo! She will have made it to the stadium!!!
I knew when I adopted that she would most likely be involved with the criminal justice system at some point. While it hasn't happened yet- she's nine- give it time. Impulse control is not a strength. I just keep my parking tickets paid up so when they come looking for her- they don't take me in too. ;) pessimistic? No. Realistic.
Let's hope she blows me out of the water on that one and I get to eat those words one day.
In the mean time, it would appear that my expectation of what life would be like with her is dramatically different than reality. It is hard. ITS RAD. But its not a lifetime in diapers. Its not setting up trust funds for her care. Its not watching a terminally ill child die.
Its vigilant 24/7 emotional engagement. Its knowing that she may either never leave home because of her anxiety, may leave "late", or may run out the door never to return. Its knowing that my behavior is just as important as hers. Its knowing that my expectations are probably stupid. Its planning for the absolute freaking worst, and hoping for the best.
Its pure acceptance. Its staying committed.
Even if being committed to her means the best thing is re-homing or rtc or psych ward. Those take commitment to doing the right thing for your kid too.
Its maintaining the hope that a shard, shred, or sliver of the love I've shared has reached her.
Cause it may...or may not.
But as long as I draw breath, I will hope. I will hope that she can "heal". Whatever the hell that means at that day/moment/second.
Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.
I really like your attitude.
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