Hello! I have linked this blog on facee book- so if you found it from there you are in the right place. My personal goal is to blog more often- but the other moms who post on this blog are AWESOME, and have great insight.

So today I got to meet face to face with Christine Moers from www.welcometomybrain.net who is a "trauma-celebrity". She's "traumfamous" for her witty, honest, and authentic approach to implementing therapeutic parenting. It was awesome, her kids are adorable, and she was....herself. LOL just like you read her to be. What she is, whether she knows it or not, is a gifted writer. Her writing is a clear picture of who she is: caring, authentic, genuine, and cool.

One of the many things we discussed I will touch on briefly for you now:
"I can't do therapeutic parenting."
We have all said it, felt it, meant it, and well....had moments when it was true.
Therapeutic parenting doesn't mean perfect parenting. It doesn't mean always having the answers. For so many traumatized kids, it means letting them have the chance to go through missed stages of development or responding with the words "I feel angry, I am going to walk away and return in two minutes." You CAN do this. Your child CAN heal. BUT it requires the same kind of commitment you would give to a new born infant who had open heart surgery and severe special needs. Yep. That's right. If you'd just given birth or adopted a special needs baby who was recovering from a heart issue: no one would expect you to be a neat freak, or your hair to be combed, or your socks to match, or your baby to be like other babies, to crawl at the "right" time or for you function above bare minimum capacity. For at least a year, or two, you can cancel your plans. IF you can give therapeutic parenting your honest to goodness attempt you will see positive changes in your child. This is parenting for the long term, not quick fixes. This is rebooting an individuAls life. The transition from fear to hope to happiness isn't easy. But YOU can do it, and you are NOT alone. Don't try to be perfect, just try to be present. Even. When. They. Reject. You. Stay. You are the first person to STAY. Sometimes I like to play this like a challenge with my girl- mentally I am saying "oh yeah! Push me away? Never! My love is stronger than your anger and hurt!" Outside I am responding the best I can to the situation. My best varies from day to day. My level of regulation influences it heavily. Because my daughter is chronologically 9 and emotionally 7-8 on a good day, and healing like crazy- we can talk about my feelings too. I am teaching empathy, social cues, and positive social response when I explain "today I used a loud voice when I felt frustrated. Really I was frustrated about my hard day at work. My voice should have been softer when I said "cookies are available after dinner" instead of "NO MORE COOKIES"." Later I will have these conversations to reference "I noticed you are using a loud voice like I did when I was frustrated yesterday. Would you like to share your big feelings peacefully or would you like to hear what I'm observing through your actions?"

That's right. Imperfect parents take heed: you CAN do this.

"There is nothing wrong with that child."

When you are parenting a traumatized child.. the special needs just aren't as visible to the world. My daughter appears to the untrained eye to be a well mannered, engaging, happy go lucky eight year old. To the trained eye she is too easily familiar with strangers, and socially immature by about 2 years. My daughter says "I love you!" over a hundrend times a day. I've counted. "Awww! She loves you so so much!" people say. I know "I love you!" means many things: 1. I think I am in trouble! 2. Are you there? 3. Don't leave me!! 4. PAY ATTENTION ONLY TO ME! 5. Hello stranger! Watch my mom roll her eyes at my declaration of love! 6. Respond to my demands! 7. I love you. 8. I hope you love me. Over the 19+ months since I brought my daughter home from foster care (then 7, now almost 9): many people have assumed I was merely a bad parent. 8 yr old screaming in the store? Licking the floor in a restraunt? In a psych hold at the movies? Kicking a wall and screaming "SORRY SORRY SORRY" at the mall? What a bad parent. The number one tool of trauma mama is a SUPPORT system. When you bring home a child....some people stick around and sort of get it, some people fade away, som people thing you are nuts. BUT out there in the world there ARE people who understand you. Because they live JUST LIKE YOU AND I do. Or worse. I hope you have found some of them. If not check out the map on the side bar and find someone near you. This week a fellow adoptive special needs mom in our support network has had the worst possible outcome for her three year old son. She is preparing to let him go into the arms of Jesus. Though we can not imagine her pain, though we may have never seen her face to face or held her hand: the support network has rallied around her. With hourly or more words of encouragement, prayer/meditation chains through family friends and churches across the world, and financial assistance. Support is invaluable. Sometimes your f@cebook friends are the friends you can count on in a pinch. Sometimes the people who get it are states away. Find some support!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE.