Wednesday, April 13, 2011

"There is nothing wrong with that child."

When you are parenting a traumatized child.. the special needs just aren't as visible to the world. My daughter appears to the untrained eye to be a well mannered, engaging, happy go lucky eight year old. To the trained eye she is too easily familiar with strangers, and socially immature by about 2 years. My daughter says "I love you!" over a hundrend times a day. I've counted. "Awww! She loves you so so much!" people say. I know "I love you!" means many things: 1. I think I am in trouble! 2. Are you there? 3. Don't leave me!! 4. PAY ATTENTION ONLY TO ME! 5. Hello stranger! Watch my mom roll her eyes at my declaration of love! 6. Respond to my demands! 7. I love you. 8. I hope you love me. Over the 19+ months since I brought my daughter home from foster care (then 7, now almost 9): many people have assumed I was merely a bad parent. 8 yr old screaming in the store? Licking the floor in a restraunt? In a psych hold at the movies? Kicking a wall and screaming "SORRY SORRY SORRY" at the mall? What a bad parent. The number one tool of trauma mama is a SUPPORT system. When you bring home a child....some people stick around and sort of get it, some people fade away, som people thing you are nuts. BUT out there in the world there ARE people who understand you. Because they live JUST LIKE YOU AND I do. Or worse. I hope you have found some of them. If not check out the map on the side bar and find someone near you. This week a fellow adoptive special needs mom in our support network has had the worst possible outcome for her three year old son. She is preparing to let him go into the arms of Jesus. Though we can not imagine her pain, though we may have never seen her face to face or held her hand: the support network has rallied around her. With hourly or more words of encouragement, prayer/meditation chains through family friends and churches across the world, and financial assistance. Support is invaluable. Sometimes your f@cebook friends are the friends you can count on in a pinch. Sometimes the people who get it are states away. Find some support!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

3 comments:

  1. So very spot on!! The "I LOVES YOU" don't necessarily mean that (I've noticed that with our 3 yr old FD).. for her they mean "Goodbye" and "Hello" and "I don't really know what to say right now".

    Keep up the good work!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ooh, I can totally identify! I would change #1 a little to say - don't be mad at me! And I am constantly telling people who say "I could never do what you do" or those that are fresh foster parents to seek out the support they need. Many times as a foster/adoptive mom/parents, I was frustrated that I/we didn't have support in this category or that, but now I've moved on and went to find/make my/our own! (Ok, sorry that was a rambling sentence...) Thank you for the encouragement! I just found you through 'Ms. Hurdles' and I'm glad I did! =)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hugs, as a mom to a son who has PTSD among other special needs, I know how important a support system is. I wish the general public understood trauma and it's effects.

    ReplyDelete

Feel free to leave comments and suggestions. We all love to learn!