Regulating Mom & What's Behind That Mad?

We had a big issue with our ten year old daughter Sunday night.   I was MAD.  Madder than I have ever been at her.  I went to bed mad, woke up mad, and spent the whole day mad.  I am usually able to shake any mad quickly and stay in calm, therapeutic mom mode.  Not this time.  She crossed the line on a safety matter and I couldn't shake my anger.

When I dropped her off at school, I told her her to tell her friend that there would be no Girl Scouts because we needed to talk about what happened.  She said, "I'm not participating in any talk." 

When I picked her up from school I gave her a huge hug and told her I was glad to see her.  She said, "I'm still not participating in any talk about last night."   Argh!   We had a tense car ride home (just a couple minutes) with arguing and immaturity (on both our parts).  She refused to come in the house when we got there.   Since she has lost our trust, I had Hubster watch her while I changed out of my work clothes.   It hit me that even though I was trying to do all the right things with the hug and telling her I was glad to see her, my anger was still shining through.   She could hear it in my tone, expressions and body language.   I took some deep breaths and went out to her.

I said, "I think my voice sounds really mad and that is freaking you out."   She softened a bit and said, "Yes, it really, really is."   I said, "I am struggling with this mad, but I love you so much and will try to make my love come through more than my mad."   Then I asked her if she would play me a song on her recorder and told her we needed to go inside after that.   She played her song and then we went in without problem.  I cooked dinner and she did her homework. 

Then the three of us talked about the previous night.  It was a hard and heavy conversation.  She listened.  She did not argue.   She cried in a real and appropriate way over her consequences (loss of trust = loss of freedom and fun activities).  She spent some time hanging with her Dad while I cleaned up the kitchen and then she went to sleep without issue, immediately falling asleep.

She couldn't become regulated because I wasn't regulated. 

Once I got myself in check, she was able to do the same.

Wow.

So simple, but so huge.


Of course, I always tell her that mad/anger are just masks that other "scaredy cat" feelings hide behind.  They are "scaredy cat" feelings because they are harder to deal with than anger.  I always ask her, "What's hiding behind the mad?"   So what was hiding behind my mad?   Fear that she would do something unsafe again.  Embarrassment/shame that I couldn't keep my child from doing something unsafe.  Confusion at why it happened.  Sadness for her and our family that so much trauma happened to her to cause her so many issues.  Frustration that we have to work so hard to help her heal when we didn't cause the trauma.  Lots of stuff hiding behind my mad.   Acknowledging it really does feel good, but it sure does suck to "practice what you preach" sometimes!