Poor foster kid/orphan syndrome

Our daughter is ten and has been home with us for a little over a year.  I've been noticing her being "off" for the last couple weeks.  She's been very anxious about having enough food, rapidly shoving it in her mouth,  asking for more and more (when she can't possibly be hungry) and crying in panic if we are in the car for an extended period of time, even if I have packed her a snack.  She's never stolen in our home, but had a history of taking things that didn't belong to her when she was in foster care.   All of my husband's cash mysteriously went missing from his wallet last week.   She has wanted to spend her evenings watching television instead of spending time with her father or I and she hasn't been seeking out hugs. 

She has also been crying a lot.   A whole lot.  Multiple times a day over the tiniest things.  She's become pretty good at talking things through once she calms down, but I could tell there was something deeper going on.

I picked her up from day camp after work yesterday and could tell she was lost somewhere in trauma land.   She was sulked, whined and cried our whole drive home.   As we turned onto our street I said, "You can continue keeping whatever has been bothering you to yourself if you want.  That is okay with me, but I think you'll feel better if you tell me about it.   That will probably make it easier for us to have a fun night since you won't feel so upset.   It's your choice, though."

I thought she was going to snarl at me that was nothing wrong and then wail that I hurt her feelings by saying she isn't feeling good.

She started talking, though!

We sat in the driveway and she told me that she doesn't feel like she fits in at camp.  She said her friends talk about when they were babies or things they did with their siblings the night before and she doesn't have those memories.   She doesn't have any stories about when she was a baby and she doesn't remember living with her siblings.  A lot of the girls have convertible tights for the days that they do gymnastics and she just has leggings.  She has been really jealous of these tights and has been crying in the bathroom at camp because it is just one more thing that sets her apart. 

I did not know about these tights.  I asked her why she didn't ask me to buy her some.   She said that in foster homes, she was often told to stop asking for things.   She said more than one set of foster parents told her that she's lucky she had a place to sleep and to just be grateful for what she has.  She said it would have really hurt her feelings if I said that too, so she was afraid to ask.  

She spent five years in foster care before joining our family through adoption.   She's the only daughter I've ever had, but she had at least a dozen sets of "parents" before ending up with us.  It makes sense that she would fall back on "poor foster kid" thinking occasionally, especially in a new setting like day camp.  

I reminded her that she's not a foster kid anymore, that she's a family girl now.  Our family girl.  I told her that she doesn't have to be afraid to ask us for stuff.   We will make sure she has everything she needs.   I reminded her that there is always food for her to eat, clothes to wear and both of us there to tuck her in to bed every night.    I told her that sometimes kids ask their parents for things and the answer is "no".   It's not because they are a bad kid or aren't loved, though.   A lot of the times the answer is "yes" and that is the case with the tights.   Yes, I will buy her some convertible tights for gymnastics.   I told her that I can understand feeling jealous that the other girl's seem to have more traditional families and easier lives, but we don't know all of their history.  They may have hurts inside, too.   I thanked her for talking to me and told her I know how hard that is for her and how hard she's worked to trust me.   

Three weeks of big feelings triggered by tights. 

It is so hard for kids who have spent time in foster care or orphanages to grasp permanency.    They've heard it all before and if you're biological parents didn't keep you with them, how can you trust anyone else to do the same?   I've heard that it takes kids an average of DOUBLE the longest placement they had before you to truly believe that they can trust and depend on you for their care, safety and stability.   Our daughter was with her biological family for her first four years.  Her longest foster care placement was three years.  She came to us at age 9, so hopefully by the time she's 15 - 17 it will finally sink in that we are forever.  We aren't going anywhere.   Just in time for her to leave us for college.

It's All Just a Bad Dream...

How do you tell a child, frightened and alone.. "Don't worry.. It's all just a bad dream?" with a straight face.  How do you look that child in the eyes and say it with complete honesty... knowing that most likely it was more like a "Bad Memory"?

You don't.. you don't tell them it was "just a bad dream".  You just hold them and tell them you love them.

Prior to taking this placement, I had been told that both girls would carry on "from sun up to sun down" about monsters and the like.  The girls would refuse to go to bed and were just inconsolable.  However, we haven't had any issues with bedtime.. well not ANY.. but few issues.  Yes, there are nightmares or night terrors (I am not an expert so I can't tell you the difference).  Yes, there times when both girls would "carry on" but all it took was the comfort of a loving touch (holding, cuddling, rocking)... there are things that happened in their past that allow the "touch" to be sufficient comfort to them.

Our foster children have visits with their birth parents and they also have weekly phone calls.  After a recent phone call, Big Girl woke up drenched in sweat and screaming/crying.  She had a bad dream.. with monsters in it. 

What did I do?  I did not tell her that monsters weren't real.. because I am sorry if a child BELIEVES they exist.. they EXIST.  I brought her downstairs.. and we sat at the kitchen table.  And I asked her to draw her dream.  She did.. I asked her to draw the monsters, because I needed to know what they looked like in case they ever tried to show up at my house.  She obliged.  Then, I brought her back to bed and asked her what she planned on dreaming about that would be happy dreams... she responded "Rainbows and Unicorns".

The next morning.. she told me "I had good dreams.. about Rainbows and Unicorns!"

Morning Glory

For those of you that don't me... I am a 30 something Foster Mom, Wife, Student, and (yes AND as if those titles aren't enough) Working Mom.  You can call me M.  I blog over at Hurdles Life, Love & Family. We have three foster children who were placed with us last year.. a sibling set ages 5, 3 and 11 months.   "C"indy is our 5 year old, "B"ella is our 3 year old, and "A"arron is our 11 month old.  Fun ages, but also lots of work.  Our mornings sometimes get in the way of enjoying things, considering I am getting myself and 3 children ready and it definitely isn't the easiest thing to do with a smile and stressfree.  Especially when you are working with children who have PTSD, Anxiety and Anger Issues (well "C"indy and "B"ella)... who knows there might even be some RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) that we are dealing, but we don't have a diagnosis for that.

With our 3 year old (aka Little Girl "B"ella) she can be a peach in the mornings... or she can be amazingly difficult and defiant.  We hear "I TANT!!" over and over again.  There are days when the "I TANTs" can be OVERWHELMING, but you have to get to the root of the "I TANT".  If it is a day that we have a visit with a biological parent.. the "I TANT" is really "I DONT WANNA DOE!" and thus she needs help and comforting.  But on other days.. it is typically and simply "I DONT WANNA DO IT AND YOU TANT MAKE ME!".   Basically it is an ODD moment (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).  There are lots of methods out there to help a child work through their ODD moment, for us and for Bella.. Time Outs work wonders.

Now we have our "Morning Glory" ... Big Girl "C"indy (our 5 year old).  This morning she was in a mood.. woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I am not sure what. 

First she HAD to wear "tight pants" -- basically jeggings, then the "tight pants" were a little bit short, so she need socks that went to her knees.  At this point I used a little L&L (Love and Logic) on her.  "You have two choices.. you can wear the knee socks with jeans, or you can wear these ankle socks with the tight pants.  What do you choose?"  She elected to keep the tight pants on, but threw her T-Shirt (that she had planned on wearing over a pink thermal) onto her bed.  I grabbed her and pulled her close (my version of a Time-In)... "Look at me.  Is pouting and crying helping you right now? Come on breathe." [try saying this calmly... I think the "Come on Breathe" is more for my benefit than hers].. "C"indy kicks and screams... I pull her closer.  More kicking, sobbing, pushing, screaming... again I pull her closer (now she is basically being held like an infant and I am rubbing her back).  She can't calm down, or won't calm down.  I carry downstairs from her room to the living room couch, repeating "What were your choices?" She finally relents and relaxes in my arms and sobs "different pants".  I respond "Okay, so is this helping you at all?" she madly replies "NO!" again breathing and calmly ask "Well, do you think you can get over this? Do you plan on having a happy day or a not happy day?" again with anger she answers "HAPPY!"  I tell her "I am not letting go of you until you are calm and aren't crying, because I think you really need a hug today."  (mind you the time that has elapsed from start to end is about 15-20 minutes before she calms herself down)  CRISIS OVERTED... or so I thought!

We get in the car (everyone is buckled up and I am backing out of the driveway) she sobs "I FORGOT MY T-SHIRT" (well at this point I am already LATE for work.  I tell her (as empathetically as I can muster) "I am sorry, that's a bummer that you forgot your shirt.  What do you think you could have done differntly so that you wouldn't have forgotten it?" again I get an angry response "NOT POUTED!" -- okay I guess the Crisis is not Overted.. CODE RED!! CODE RED!! We get to daycare and I decide.. well I am already late for work.. might as HUG IT OUT!  I attempt to hug her and she starts sobbing again and pushing me away.  The mantra begins again ... "Come on breathe.  Is this helping? What can you do to stop?  Do you plan on having a happy day or a not happy day?" [elapsed time 5-10 minutes.. on the floor of the daycare center... with teachers and students staring at us -- I guess thats a win... sort of]  She even gives me her "special kiss" goodbye (a butterfly kiss).

The thing I have learned this morning... "C"indy needs positive touch and affection, whereas "B"ella will just take the affection/attention she wants.

Now.. onto my breathing.. so now you can ask yourself, as I ask myself :

"Is this going to be a happy day or a not happy day?"  

You can choose!