Poor foster kid/orphan syndrome

Our daughter is ten and has been home with us for a little over a year.  I've been noticing her being "off" for the last couple weeks.  She's been very anxious about having enough food, rapidly shoving it in her mouth,  asking for more and more (when she can't possibly be hungry) and crying in panic if we are in the car for an extended period of time, even if I have packed her a snack.  She's never stolen in our home, but had a history of taking things that didn't belong to her when she was in foster care.   All of my husband's cash mysteriously went missing from his wallet last week.   She has wanted to spend her evenings watching television instead of spending time with her father or I and she hasn't been seeking out hugs. 

She has also been crying a lot.   A whole lot.  Multiple times a day over the tiniest things.  She's become pretty good at talking things through once she calms down, but I could tell there was something deeper going on.

I picked her up from day camp after work yesterday and could tell she was lost somewhere in trauma land.   She was sulked, whined and cried our whole drive home.   As we turned onto our street I said, "You can continue keeping whatever has been bothering you to yourself if you want.  That is okay with me, but I think you'll feel better if you tell me about it.   That will probably make it easier for us to have a fun night since you won't feel so upset.   It's your choice, though."

I thought she was going to snarl at me that was nothing wrong and then wail that I hurt her feelings by saying she isn't feeling good.

She started talking, though!

We sat in the driveway and she told me that she doesn't feel like she fits in at camp.  She said her friends talk about when they were babies or things they did with their siblings the night before and she doesn't have those memories.   She doesn't have any stories about when she was a baby and she doesn't remember living with her siblings.  A lot of the girls have convertible tights for the days that they do gymnastics and she just has leggings.  She has been really jealous of these tights and has been crying in the bathroom at camp because it is just one more thing that sets her apart. 

I did not know about these tights.  I asked her why she didn't ask me to buy her some.   She said that in foster homes, she was often told to stop asking for things.   She said more than one set of foster parents told her that she's lucky she had a place to sleep and to just be grateful for what she has.  She said it would have really hurt her feelings if I said that too, so she was afraid to ask.  

She spent five years in foster care before joining our family through adoption.   She's the only daughter I've ever had, but she had at least a dozen sets of "parents" before ending up with us.  It makes sense that she would fall back on "poor foster kid" thinking occasionally, especially in a new setting like day camp.  

I reminded her that she's not a foster kid anymore, that she's a family girl now.  Our family girl.  I told her that she doesn't have to be afraid to ask us for stuff.   We will make sure she has everything she needs.   I reminded her that there is always food for her to eat, clothes to wear and both of us there to tuck her in to bed every night.    I told her that sometimes kids ask their parents for things and the answer is "no".   It's not because they are a bad kid or aren't loved, though.   A lot of the times the answer is "yes" and that is the case with the tights.   Yes, I will buy her some convertible tights for gymnastics.   I told her that I can understand feeling jealous that the other girl's seem to have more traditional families and easier lives, but we don't know all of their history.  They may have hurts inside, too.   I thanked her for talking to me and told her I know how hard that is for her and how hard she's worked to trust me.   

Three weeks of big feelings triggered by tights. 

It is so hard for kids who have spent time in foster care or orphanages to grasp permanency.    They've heard it all before and if you're biological parents didn't keep you with them, how can you trust anyone else to do the same?   I've heard that it takes kids an average of DOUBLE the longest placement they had before you to truly believe that they can trust and depend on you for their care, safety and stability.   Our daughter was with her biological family for her first four years.  Her longest foster care placement was three years.  She came to us at age 9, so hopefully by the time she's 15 - 17 it will finally sink in that we are forever.  We aren't going anywhere.   Just in time for her to leave us for college.