As my daughter gets older there are things that terrify me. Sex being the largest issue at this moment. contributing factors: trauma history, giant desire to be a "good" mother (as in "I will NOT be like my birth mom"), lots of marriage talk, public school 3rd grade in the Fall, friends in the surrogate process, etc etc. She knows how babies are made EXCEPT the sex part. She knows a doctor can help if you have a hard time making a baby or if you are single or a same sex couple. She has expressed here desire to get married and have a baby "lots of them- six girls- and they won't get taken away mommy!" She is probably under exposed to media for her age group, and doesn't see programs or hear songs that are sexual in nature. Except a little frank sinatra. The issue becomes when do I say the sperm get to the egg when.... Right now she would tell you "sperm and eggs get together when you are married". My goal is to be the trusted resource. My fear is that it will be heard and processed as "I can't wait to do that!". For the record, we have a vary open definition of marriage- committed partners. Anybody btdt? She doesn't seem interested in feelings or hormonal instincts....just the hope of being a good mom. Do I wait til she asks the next question? Or preempt the school yard news? How can I help her honor herself, and wait for the maturity to make choices when I know the RAD brain is still so prominent for her?
Sigh. Terror. Is what I feel. Fear that she will see herself as needing to be loved, not left and that she will see a baby as a healing step one day. Why did they stop making chastity belts? That was a brilliant idea. Let's bring it back.
Oh....I hear you! Except it is IN MY FACE! My daughter is 13, and she was pre-sexualized by her mother who was, if not precisely a prostitute, pretty close. Anastasia is now claiming "I'm going to be just like my mother; no one can stop me."
ReplyDeleteYipes.
yep, btdt 3 times, 3 more to go. my advice? answer the questions as honestly as you can. she needs to know the mechanics of the thing just like she needs to know the heart of it. all of it. maybe not all at once. i'm guessing, though, that she knows a WHOLE lot that she needs to have put into context by you. SA does that to you. she needs you to explain what's normal so that she has a frame of reference on which to build--and she needs to know that this info is not shameful or secretive but rather joyful and private.
ReplyDeleteyou know her better than anyone. take the teachable moments and supply factual information in a matter of fact way. answer questions about facts, leave your personal relationships out, speak in generalities about the how and why for adults. there is no evidence that giving kids the information causes them to act out, but leaving them in the dark can open them up to a lot of issues later on.
my kids knew facts, how to, birth control, and consequences. they also knew that daddy and i believe in a pretty old-fashioned idea of sex inside of a committed relationship. of the 3 who are adults, all 3 are living it. nobody went nuts! fwiw, i'm approaching it the same way with Bubba and Flowergirl, even though they have a background of trauma and abuse.
i just really believe that we owe our kids the truth told in love.
good luck with your decision!