It's All Just a Bad Dream...

How do you tell a child, frightened and alone.. "Don't worry.. It's all just a bad dream?" with a straight face.  How do you look that child in the eyes and say it with complete honesty... knowing that most likely it was more like a "Bad Memory"?

You don't.. you don't tell them it was "just a bad dream".  You just hold them and tell them you love them.

Prior to taking this placement, I had been told that both girls would carry on "from sun up to sun down" about monsters and the like.  The girls would refuse to go to bed and were just inconsolable.  However, we haven't had any issues with bedtime.. well not ANY.. but few issues.  Yes, there are nightmares or night terrors (I am not an expert so I can't tell you the difference).  Yes, there times when both girls would "carry on" but all it took was the comfort of a loving touch (holding, cuddling, rocking)... there are things that happened in their past that allow the "touch" to be sufficient comfort to them.

Our foster children have visits with their birth parents and they also have weekly phone calls.  After a recent phone call, Big Girl woke up drenched in sweat and screaming/crying.  She had a bad dream.. with monsters in it. 

What did I do?  I did not tell her that monsters weren't real.. because I am sorry if a child BELIEVES they exist.. they EXIST.  I brought her downstairs.. and we sat at the kitchen table.  And I asked her to draw her dream.  She did.. I asked her to draw the monsters, because I needed to know what they looked like in case they ever tried to show up at my house.  She obliged.  Then, I brought her back to bed and asked her what she planned on dreaming about that would be happy dreams... she responded "Rainbows and Unicorns".

The next morning.. she told me "I had good dreams.. about Rainbows and Unicorns!"

Sometimes they have to remind you!

Last night my daughter (age 10) had a friend over for "Girl Scouts".  (She was in a troop for two months, but it turned out to be too much for her to handle, so we've recently switched to her and her best friend having their own little meetings.)   I didn't plan it out well and the girls got kind of crazy and messy.   I started getting stressed about them cleaning up the mess so we could get her friend home, shower and get to bed on time.  As with most kids of trauma, routine is a big deal to my daughter.   Because I was stressed and rushing her, she got doubly stressed.   We got her friend home and then repeated the whole situation as I was nagging and pushing her to hurry up and get in the shower.

Finally, she looked at me and said, "You always tell me to take my time so I don't get stressed, but you keep rushing me today.  I think you should do what you always tell me to do and stop, take a deep breath and relax!"

She was so right!!!   I was so focused on keeping her on her routine that I lost site of being the calm, steady, therapuetic mom she needs.  I was so excited that she could verbalize that to me and help me remember.

So I became a S.T.A.R. (stop, take a deep breath and relax), thanked her, gave her a big hug, then she took her shower and got ready for bed.

I work in the field of early childhood education and am a big fan of Dr. Becky Bailey's Conscious Discipline Method.  Conscious Discipline is based on brain research of how we handle stressful situations and is all about strengthening social-emotional skills.  The symbols below coordinate with some simple relaxation exercises she has.  The first is the "Be a S.T.A.R" that my daughter reminded me of: stop (or smile), take a deep breath, and relax.  The balloon, drain and pretzel are also great techniques for getting rid of some tension and taking a moment to regroup.   While Dr. Bailey's stuff is largely used in classrooms, it works great at home with traumatized children.  I encourage you to check out her website because there are lots of FREE tools on it that you can print to use at home including posters of the relaxation techniques and a feelings chart.

Last Mom

http://www.lastmom.blogspot.com/