Especially if you believe what you read in your child's files.
As I have mentioned before my dd had many misdiagnosed conditions before she came home. I don't mean to say disregard those all together. The opposite in fact. If your child was dx'd with bipolar at 4. At 4, she was probably exhibiting signs of bipolar.
Every diagnosis means something about the child's life at that time.
Can we properly diagnose children who are mentally ill while in foster care? Here are some thoughts on the challenges:
1. Symptoms of multiple issues overlap. Symptoms like: tantrums, inability to self regulate, manic episodes, sad, etc.
2. Our children have experienced the worst treatment anyone can imagine- they are traumatized. This makes it so hard to get a clear picture on what's happening.
3. Have you ever met a woman (or man!) Who spent the last 10 yrs in an abusive relationship? Assume that person had some sort of love as a child. You could still imagine it being years before they were ready for their next marriage right? Our kids don't have the basis of love at all. No matter how great the foster parent seems, or if they were in the "best" orphanages. Why do we expect them to understand family, love, respect etc in the first year? Some may come to understand, some may take 10 yrs, some may never trust again.
3. Foster children are in a constant state of flux. Permanence matters. Even those in long term placements can sense the possibility of being moved at a whim. Can you imagine living like that? As if any day you could expect to see the bank man at your door ready to put you out and foreclose on you? Constant state of fear.
4. We know that abuse and neglect can change the brain. This is why so many families find success with neuroreoganization, and edmr. Literally retraining the brain to function can work for some children.
Its hard to know what parts of your child's brain have been effected.
5. Over medication runs rampant in foster care. Who is your child under all the medication can be hard to find.
So let's assume- the file is a reflection of your child's life before you. The brown box does not define her, but gives massive insight to her challenges. There very well be a diagnosis in there that is right. My dd's file said RAD. And we are positive that is correct. So maybe somewhere your childs file is too. Or maybe not.
No matter what- when you adopt, you are bringing home a child with the potential for issues related to adoption and trauma.
These are some things I believe every pre-adoptive family should know (and you probably won't learn in training):
Therapeutic parenting begins before your child comes home. And every child deserves the benefit of therapeutic parenting. EVERY ONE.
My 2 favorite books:
Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson
The Connected Child by Karen Purvis
I also liked many others, but in terms of "how-to" therapeutic parent- those were the most two vital.
Find a parent mentor who has been where you are. A margarita girlfriend. My dd and my mentor friends daughter squabble like sisters. All the better. We let them swim too long, play video games too long, and stay up too late: while we commiserate and remind ourselves that we are not alone! We are both single moms. We both have daughters. Our dds are very are similar. Its a vital relationship.
Prepare for the worst. Hope for the best.
Less is more. You don't have to entertain or impress your new child. You are more than enough to process. Have fun, enjoy, but don't over do.
As you begin, so shall you continue. Don't start as a push over, set boundaries and expectations from the beginning. With compassion and care, but firmness and authority.
Therapists that have worked with attachment issues should be lined up. See them the first week.
Pediatrician, dentist, etc. Should all been known before you bring your child home.
A maid for the first 6 months to a year is awesome.
No matter how old your child is- its still "new parent" mode. Less sleep, more worry and "new mom brain" (you will remember nothing! Unless it is about your child)
If you have "baggage" or "hard places" in your past- get yourself help before your child comes home. Parenting triggers stuff and drags up old hurts- parenting traumatized kids is WORSE.
Turn off the TV, computer, and other electronics. These can detract from your relationship with your child. While a fun movie night can be a great bonding time- daily noise and distraction can draw on precious bonding time and brain functioning.
Play play play. Your child has missed pieces of their childhood. PLAY can help heal. You may have to teach them how to play.
Assume no knowledge. There is no assurance that your child will know what you would expect a child their age to know. At 7, though she'd been in a "christian" foster home- my dd knew no information about christmas. Not a carol. Not who jesus was. No who santa was. Not what a stocking was. And I have photos of her by a tree every year she was in care. She was taking in nothing- she was being exposed to minimums- and was too busy surviving to internalize meaning.
Set your child up for success. Making small successes helps them build the confidence to make big success!
Practice positive talk. It takes a long time to switch from thinking in the negative to thinking in the positive. Its ingrained. Every year with my class I have an experience of discussing class rules. Every year my 3, 4, and 5 year olds start "no running. No hitting. No kicking." To children from the hard places- "no" can be a huge trigger. Instead tell them what they CAN do. "Walk. Keep your hands and feet to yourself." Help your child see the positive in every interaction with positive talk.
Its ok to mess up. Its ok to screw up. Its ok to blow it. You are teaching valuable lessons when you can say to your child "remember yesterday when I asked if you needed a spanking? Yeah. I didn't feel good about that. I felt upset that you were kicking the wall, and didn't do my best at responding." You can teach your child how to repair mistakes. You can teach them how to grow as a person. You can lead by example.
(Warning-this one isn't going to be popular) please consider carefully before you bring home more than 2 traumatized children. I believe siblings should be kept together whenever possible. But ONE traumatized kid is equal to 5 neuro-typical kids. 2 is 10 kids. A stay at home parent is optimal. Though I am not one of the people who can do it- it would be best if I could. Parenting a traumatized child will affect your other children, your marriage and your pocketbook. It takes a special person to parent trauma in multiple kids. They are out there, and do it successfully. So are those who bit off more than they could chew.
Anyone can do this. But not everyone will. This trauma mom thing isn't for the weak hearted. Its not for "savior" mentality people. Its for MOTHERS. MOTHERS who will do ANYTHING for their kid. I hope its for you. I really do. There are wonderful deserving children who need you.
Sent from my BlackBerry® powered by Virgin Mobile.
Great post! I wanted to add, although we did adopt our girls together, they were not nearly as traumatized as many children in care. They had been in the home together all of their lives, and had a very healthy bond to one another. Some children are better off apart from their siblings to receive the individual care and healing they deserve. In our situation, although at times we thought WE would have an easier time, it wasn't a good idea to even consider splitting the girls despite their behaviors earlier in their placement with us.
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