A refreshing dedication

So I took a few months off from blogging. Somethings went well. Others didn't. We went on a vacation to our favorite national park with a number of extended family members. It was good. And interesting. And then I got SICK as a dog. With some viral upper respitory stuff that lasted for like 3 weeks! And my dear baby girl got it too. So we were both sick, and stressed.

And then we had the holidays- for which I was ill. It was traumatic for my girl. And it has been packed away. We are visiting family now- and have a little more gifting to do but not much.

We are having a sibling visit tomorrow with her older sister. I am hopeful that both girls can come away feeling good from seeing each other one day. So far that hasn't been the case.

I am returning to blogging. Probably weekly. I miss it as a release and processing space.

After school returns I will be blogging about some IEP stuff. Because on Jan. 3rd- my school is OUT OF COMPLIANCE. Her entire IEP expired at the end of school in December.

I hope all you in bloggy world are having a good holiday and are finding your own inner peace.

Happy New YEAR!

Putting it in to practice

After a horrible 6 weeks that began mid August and slowed at the beginning of September, my dd immediately GREW. She went from size 7/8 to 10 in a week, from size 3 shoes to size 5 in the same week.

And in the past week, I have seen her put in to practice the social skills and manners I has desperately tried to impart upon her. AND she has made logical cognitive connections between things we've done in the past- over 2 yrs ago- to things we did this weekend! We had completely different festivities last year, as we had a sibling visit out of town last year. But even information from things we did, such as attend a pow wow, she was able to connect to a group of aztec dancers we saw this weekend. Making these connections has always been hard for her. She had no sense of tradition or ritual or routine when she came. The cultural context of our society was lost on her- DESPITE being in texas foster care for most of her life.

I am so excited about the growth I am seeing. She's voluntarily asking for more extensive school work in our home school sessions (additional to her public school education). She's been very aggressive with her spatial processing therapy- and is making tangible gains daily.

But man those six weeks of daily rage, reminiscent of our first days together, were scary. I am not saying it sunshine and roses either. She struggled Halloween day with anticipation of trick or treating AND her best friends court day for adoption today. Her behavior wasn't awesome, but it wasn't what it would have been 4 weeks ago, or a year ago, or 2 years ago.

I am so proud of her!
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Gratitude

Gratitude=Great Attitude

And my dear friend Christine is talking gratitude today over at www.welcometomybrain.net

You should check it out. I realized I have never shared my daily gratitude practice.

Warning: its hard.

My daughter has struggled HARD since August. HARD. Pee, Rage, scratching, biting, defiant, and plain ol' rude.

I am glad to report that she is doing 100 percent better at her new school this week! She loves it. The teacher says she has tried some of her techniques, but has been flexible and has had zero outbursts. So from one a day to none.

She is doing fine in common areas like the all school library time each morning and rocking in afterschool.

But approaching her in a positive, playful way during the days when she is being mean spiteful and obstinate.... Not so easy.

So during the first few months, when her rage was the largest, I made a challenge for myself. I now challenge you to try it.

Every day before I go to sleep I say "I love it when Baby __________". Something, anything! Could be "gives me a five second reprieve between fits!" "Refrains from biting during a rage!" Or on better days "draws me a picture!" "Gives me a hug!"

Then I say " I am grateful for my child because__________". Whatever. Again whatever I can think of that day. Even if its be cause "I never would have met Christine Moers, or Christie, or Gale, or Rachael!". I never would have known how awesome a grandpa my dad is! Or because " she completes me!"

THIS IS HARD TO ON MANY DAYS. But it is. VITAL.

Why is it vital? Because my child can not bond with me unless I love her unconditionally. She can not and will not attach if I don't love her with out fail. Every. Single. Day. Attachment and bonding is a two way street. And as the healthy person in this equation- I give more. And I sustain myself with gratitude when she isn't open to love.

Some days my only gratitude is:
I am so so grateful that my child is here with me and no longer being abused or neglected. I am grateful she is HOME.
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Changes abound

So sometimes you get into something and realize...it doesn't work for your family.

Our public school experience has sucked rotten eggs.

Our "reputable" local school is one of the "top" schools in Big City.

I was there all the time- a lot. I ate lunch with my dear every day. Due to her food issues the amount of waste in the cafeteria freaks her out. Not to mention the sensory overload.

I communicated ad naseum about the correct way to communicate with a child who has PTSD and RAD. We met. We talked. They....messed up.

They withheld food from her on Aug. 31st. The second week of school. When they suspended her for her PTSD response to this inappropriate teacher choice- they let me see other documentation of "princess's" issues. In each instance the teacher had documented that she had yelled "NO NO NO NO" at my child. Wtf?

Last week my child came home saying the teacher threatened to set her on fire. The teacher had told her "you're fired!"

Now. I get that I am different. Weird even. I am a montessori teacher, and use positive discipline in my class- long before I was a therapeutic parenting.

But really? Shaming and yelling? Denial of food to a hungry child?

When I pointed out that this was inappropriate- they said they couldn't "shield her from the world". What? You mean you actually speak to other adults like that?

A teacher told a second grader in the first week in the hall "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? SIT SIT SIT!"
Bet she is going to have a great second grade year.

A kindergarten class was walking down the hall- a little girl near the end of the line lost her shoe. She called out to the teacher. The teacher responded "KEEP WALKING! YOU SHOULD HAVE TIED IT WHEN I TOLD YOU TO!". Welcome to school kiddo. She walked on- one shoe on- in tears.

This school produces test results. And that's about all they are focused on. Completely inappropriate.

I struggled with regret- after all I choose this school. And if it were it not for funding- I would not have chosen public school voluntarily. I know what I am- a home school mom. But I am also a single mom. And I work. So she must got to school. And generally she likes school.

So after searching and reaching out beyond my initial search, talking to my adoption support group moms etc- I have decided to use Baby's old Emotional Disturbance label from foster care to get her a transfer to a small charter school I never even knew existed. The class she will start in will have 5 kids and 2 teachers. She has a goal of mainstreaming. But first she has to have these good people undo all the damage done in the last month by the first school.

So know I am learning the language of IEP etc.

Baby is crazy happy about the change. She will be in the same class as another girl from our adoption support group. That's keeping her on cloud 9....for now.
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Boredom Buster Ideas from a 10 year old

I have recently quit my traditional, outside the home job to pursue freelance writing full time.  My amazing daughter asked for a writing assignment of her own.  I assigned "things for kids to do when they are bored".  Here's what she came up with. 

Things to do when you are bored?
by LDM, age 10

1. Color

2. Play game(s)

3. Write

4. Ride a bike

5. Read

6. Watch a movie

7. Jump rope

8. hula hoop

9. Look for rocks

10. Ask to go to the library

11. Make a list

12. Make something

13. Watch TV

14. Play with a friend

15. call somebody

16. Play spy

17. Jump

18. Play dress up

19. dance

20. sing

21. Draw

22. take a nap

 

 

Preparing Kids for Emergencies (such as Hurricane Irene)

Are you in the path of Hurricane Irene or other possible emergency?  Talk to your kids about what to expect.  Do it as soon as you know there is a strong possibility of something unusual happening.  Don't wait for them to hear about it on TV or school.  Make sure you get to them first so you can control the way the information is presented.

We are on the east coast and have already had our brush with Hurricane Irene this week.  It looked like it was heading right for us for a couple days, but has ended up heading north.  We did have two days of heavy wind and rain, though.  I talked to Princess about it early in the week.  They don't do hurricane coverage on the Disney channel, so she wouldn't have come across it on TV, but I didn't want her to overhear something at school and get in a panic.  I told her that there was a hurricane out in the ocean and we'd probably getting some wind and rain, but it was too early to tell how much yet.  I told her that no matter what, Dad and I would make sure she was safe.

Luckily, I was able to tell her the next day that it looked like the hurricane was going to "stay in the ocean and drive right by us".  I told her there would be rain, wind and maybe even thunder and lightening, but she'd be safe.  She verified with me that she'd be safe from the hurricane that day as I dropped her off at school each morning last week.  She wanted to be sure that I'd come and get her if things changed.  She said her classmate said her house is closer to the ocean than ours and so she is in big danger.  I assured her that her friend was going to be just fine; we were all going to be just fine.

So if you are hunkering down for Hurricane Irene, talk to your kids about it.  Explain to them what a hurricane is.  Show them a map of the path she's taking.  Let them help you gather up supplies and make preparations.  Tell them what to expect (lots of rain, loud wind, thunder, lightening, banging of branches against the house, things flying around outside).  Tell them what might happen after the storm (possibly  no electricity, standing water in the streets, trees blocking the roads). 

Most of all, tell them that you are going to be right with them and that you are going to keep them safe.

As GI Joe used to say during Saturday morning cartoons in the 80's, "Knowing is half the battle."  Telling your children what to expect, how you are preparing for it and the ways you will keep them safe will go a long way in easing anxiety.  Hopefully it will help you avoid being trapped inside with a kid in meltdown mode!

(from Last Mom www.lastmom.blogspot.com)

A Not So Therapeutic Moment

So you're reading this blog..

And seeing that we cuddle, console, reassure and even coddle our Adopted and/or our Foster Children

And thinking:

"Wow, they are perfect and wonderful people to take on these children and their issues and to handle them so delicately."

I am going to set the record straight, yes we do coddle them and console them and treat them with care.  But there are days that aren't so therapeutic... well that isn't completely accurate.  There are days when coddling and wearing kid gloves won't get through.  There are days when you just need to be blunt, direct, honest and to the point.

We have an issue with rules, following them to be exact.  Our children's birthmom didn't have rules for them, they stayed up all night, ate junk food (if they ate) and did what they pleased.  "C"indy will regularly remind us "Well our birthmom would let us do it.  We didn't have rules with her.  I want to live with her."  This has been going on over week, mostly due to some recent events and we have discussed it therapeutically about why she can't live with her BirthMom.  So last night when it was dinner and "C"indy decided she didn't want to eat what we were having (which then incites a riot with the other two children.. because "C"indy is the oldest).  She pulled the BirthMom card again.  (mind you this converstation is not verbatim, but the context is still there)

My response, "Do you say that because you think it hurts our feelings? Because it doesn't.  So you still need to eat your dinner." 

"C"indy... a flow of tears ensued.

Me, (more calmly) "Why can't you live with your BirthMom?"

"C"indy, "because we need to be safe and have rules"

Me, "That's right, what happens when you don't follow the rules as an adult?"

"C"indy, "you get in jail"

Me, "And is that something you want?"

"C"indy, "No" (tears have subsided)

Me, "You know we all have rules, even adults.  I can't wear flip flops to work and Daddy can't wear jeans to his work.  You think that's silly don't you?"

"C"indy, "Yah"

Me, "But it isn't, its a rule that we have to follow.  So you have to eat your dinner because its heathly, and you need to be healthy and safe."

"C"indy, "Fine"

So there are times, when all the coddling and consoling won't have the same results and we just need to be honest, straightforward and a little bit blunt.