When "Outsiders" Don't Get it...

What do you do when the rest of the world sees you as something you are not?  Your structure, your discipline, your therapeutic parenting become something they judge, because they don't understand.

We have therapists for our children, we practice unique coping mechanisms to help them deal with their feelings... Sometimes these things when witnessed seem well odd.  Especially, our Permissible Fits (basically, when the kids are having a rough time coping, we allow them to tantrum).  Scream, Stomp their feet, Jump up and Down, Cry, Yell.. get the feelings out.  At times, they can be hesitant and need encouragement... so one way to do it is to coax them by betting they can be louder than me.  And sure enough it works.. granted walking into the middle of this as a "Muggle" you would see a crazy lady and a child tantruming.

The question, I pose is how to get the "Muggles" to maybe not understand these unique parenting methods or coping skills, but to not pass judgment on their either.  I find that I am anger at the judgments made and the comments I've heard.  My children THRIVE on structure.  The structure they receive is from positive reinforcement for their "good" choices, follow through on promises, and even knowing that if they make the wrong choice there will be a consequence.

We employ Love & Logic and Bryan Post's methods, because each method works well only on one child.. we seem to always be trying new tactics to help them and ourselves.  Our goal is for them to have stability - stability they didn't receive in their early years, love - unconditional love, not love when a parent is feeling unloved, and success - complete and total success in all that they choose to do or be.


If only those "Muggles" could see just what we do and give for our children, the nights we have internal conflict over whether or not we handled a situation sufficiently.  The moments in therapy when the child confesses something so heart wrenching you later sit down and cry in silence for them.

So, if you have any techniques, pamphlets or advice I'd love to hear it... because right now I am at the point where I feel like the only thing I can do is turn the other cheek.

A Not So Therapeutic Moment

So you're reading this blog..

And seeing that we cuddle, console, reassure and even coddle our Adopted and/or our Foster Children

And thinking:

"Wow, they are perfect and wonderful people to take on these children and their issues and to handle them so delicately."

I am going to set the record straight, yes we do coddle them and console them and treat them with care.  But there are days that aren't so therapeutic... well that isn't completely accurate.  There are days when coddling and wearing kid gloves won't get through.  There are days when you just need to be blunt, direct, honest and to the point.

We have an issue with rules, following them to be exact.  Our children's birthmom didn't have rules for them, they stayed up all night, ate junk food (if they ate) and did what they pleased.  "C"indy will regularly remind us "Well our birthmom would let us do it.  We didn't have rules with her.  I want to live with her."  This has been going on over week, mostly due to some recent events and we have discussed it therapeutically about why she can't live with her BirthMom.  So last night when it was dinner and "C"indy decided she didn't want to eat what we were having (which then incites a riot with the other two children.. because "C"indy is the oldest).  She pulled the BirthMom card again.  (mind you this converstation is not verbatim, but the context is still there)

My response, "Do you say that because you think it hurts our feelings? Because it doesn't.  So you still need to eat your dinner." 

"C"indy... a flow of tears ensued.

Me, (more calmly) "Why can't you live with your BirthMom?"

"C"indy, "because we need to be safe and have rules"

Me, "That's right, what happens when you don't follow the rules as an adult?"

"C"indy, "you get in jail"

Me, "And is that something you want?"

"C"indy, "No" (tears have subsided)

Me, "You know we all have rules, even adults.  I can't wear flip flops to work and Daddy can't wear jeans to his work.  You think that's silly don't you?"

"C"indy, "Yah"

Me, "But it isn't, its a rule that we have to follow.  So you have to eat your dinner because its heathly, and you need to be healthy and safe."

"C"indy, "Fine"

So there are times, when all the coddling and consoling won't have the same results and we just need to be honest, straightforward and a little bit blunt.

The “Feelings Toolkit”

Our daughter is ten and has been home with us since May 2010 (with the adoption finalized in Nov.).   She’s made huge progress.   In the beginning, she would only acknowledge two emotions: happy and mad.  Either everything was great and she was sweet, loving, joyful and oh, so desperate to please or she was ANGRY.   She would scream for an hour at a time.    She couldn’t give any reason for her big feelings other than “You made me mad!”  She didn’t want to talk about her feelings or her past.   She tantrummed at the slightest correction or gentlest “no”.

I have a background in early childhood education and have worked with at risk preschoolers for years.  After several months, it finally occurred to me to try some of what I use with these children at home with my daughter.  Though my daughter came to us at 9, she was often stuck at the toddler or preschool level emotionally.  I teach preschool teachers to use Dr. Becky Bailey’s Conscious Discipline methods in classrooms.  I made copies of some of those materials and brought them home for my daughter. 

I stuck a feelings chart in a clear sleeve and put some relaxation exercises together in a little booklet.

I taught her “the balloon” when she was calm.  This is a breathing exercise where you put your arms over your head and take a deep breath in while inflating your arms like a balloon.  Then you blow the air out (quickly and loudly at our house!) to deflate your balloon.

I started telling her, “You are safe.  You are loved.  You can handle this.” I repeated this mantra as she screamed and cried.  As I started to recognize the signs of a meltdown, I would say it softly and have her repeat me.  I would remind her to do a balloon if I saw her getting agitated.

I realized that she didn’t understand other feelings.   She was trying so hard to put on a happy front and when that failed, “mad” was her default.   It’s all she knew.   I explained to her that mad is a big and loud feeling, so it’s easy for other feelings to hide behind.   I started talking about other feelings and asking if they might be hiding behind her mad.

I made her a “Feelings Toolkit”.  I gathered up lots of items we had around the house, picked up a few cheap things from the store and taped some handwritten labels on a couple things.  I put it all in a plastic storage box and wrote, “(Her Name)’s Feelings Toolkit” on it.  We talked about each item in the box, so she had some ideas of how to use it to help her.  I tried to include items that she would want to use for a variety of emotional age levels and that would appeal to all her senses.

Items for relaxation and connection:

• An album filled with photos of her with us and some of her biological siblings to remember happier times and that she is not alone
• The booklet of breathing exercises, including The Balloon
• A printed reminder of “You are safe, loved and can handle this”
• Instructions for how to be a S.T.A.R.  (Stop, take a deep breath and relax)
• An eraser to “erase” feelings she wants to get rid of
• A book of little notes and a pen to write to people she’s thinking of
• Texas and Florida quarters to represent where she came from and where she is now
• A token from a go-kart place she loves going to with her Dad
• A broken cell phone to pretend to call someone to talk
• Calming Cream Lotion (just regular face cream that I stuck a label on)

Sensory Items of Different Textures for Soothing and Distraction:

• A baby blanket square
• Little stuffed dog
• A variety of handheld puzzles /games
• A mini kaleidoscope
• Some squishy balls
• Silly putty
• A brush  (to use on her skin or hair) with a mirror attached
• A little rubber duckie
• A very scented Strawberry Shortcake figure
• A charm that flashes
• A little “I spy” pouch with a clear cover and filled with tiny items hidden in white beads to find.  (Sort of like this)

Items for Feelings Work:

• The feelings chart
• American Girl “The Feelings Book:  The Care and Keeping of Your Emotions”
• A notebook and pens for journaling
• A book called “Twenty-two Feelings from Nice to Nasty”
• A book of questions
• A little box that I stuck a label on that says, “Safe Box:  For Keeping Feelings You Aren’t Ready to Share Yet”.
• An envelope with slips of paper inside that say, “Today I feel…”

My husband will tell you that the feelings box was an epic fail because she only brought it out a handful of times.  We continued talking about how to recognize the different feelings that hide behind mad and ways to calm down when upset.   Slowly, she started opening up about what was really bothering her more and more.  Fear hides behind her mad a lot.  So does sadness, loss and grief.  Shame loves hiding behind her mad.

I still tell her she’s safe, loved, and can handle this; whatever “this” is at the moment.  I’ve heard her telling it to her stuffed animals and our pets.  She taught her best friend to do the balloon.

She had a big melt down in May.  It was a doozy that went on and on in waves of screaming, crying, disrespect and defiance.   Lots of big feelings hiding behind a giant wall of mad.   She packed her laundry hamper full of stuff and said she was running away.   She sat in the driveway of the vacant house next door.
She finally calmed down and we got to the bottom of what triggered it and the real feelings attached. 

, I was amazed at what I found in there.  Her weighted blanket (“feel our love holding you and keeping you safe”), a photo album (to remember happier times), lavender body lotion (to relax and soothe) and a notebook and pen (for writing down thoughts and feelings).

Her words and actions certainly weren’t saying it, but she was trying to calm herself down.  She didn’t want to be in that state.  She remembered her tools on her own and just needed time to put them to use.

She didn’t write anything in the notebook that day, but as I took photos of the items in the toolkit for this post, I found something she wrote on one of the “Today I feel…” slips of paper.  It was dated September 26 (five months after coming home) and said, “Happy, safe, cared for, loved”.

She has had a great summer with few meltdowns.  When she does lose her "calm brain", she's able become regulated again pretty quickly - and often on her own!  She still doesn’t always choose to use her tools or acknowledge her real feelings right away.  She can almost always talk about it after a meltdown now, though.  She told me that she’s proud of me because I help her talk about her feelings.    We still have a lot of healing ahead of us, but she’s made such huge progress.  We have so much hope for her future.  And we’re so very proud she’s our daughter! 

I think having the Feelings Toolkit has really helped her wrap her head around the concepts of feelings and what to do about them.  Even though she rarely brings it out, she's told me how much she likes knowing it's available.

Read more about our older child adoption journey at www.lastmom.blogspot.com

It's All Just a Bad Dream...

How do you tell a child, frightened and alone.. "Don't worry.. It's all just a bad dream?" with a straight face.  How do you look that child in the eyes and say it with complete honesty... knowing that most likely it was more like a "Bad Memory"?

You don't.. you don't tell them it was "just a bad dream".  You just hold them and tell them you love them.

Prior to taking this placement, I had been told that both girls would carry on "from sun up to sun down" about monsters and the like.  The girls would refuse to go to bed and were just inconsolable.  However, we haven't had any issues with bedtime.. well not ANY.. but few issues.  Yes, there are nightmares or night terrors (I am not an expert so I can't tell you the difference).  Yes, there times when both girls would "carry on" but all it took was the comfort of a loving touch (holding, cuddling, rocking)... there are things that happened in their past that allow the "touch" to be sufficient comfort to them.

Our foster children have visits with their birth parents and they also have weekly phone calls.  After a recent phone call, Big Girl woke up drenched in sweat and screaming/crying.  She had a bad dream.. with monsters in it. 

What did I do?  I did not tell her that monsters weren't real.. because I am sorry if a child BELIEVES they exist.. they EXIST.  I brought her downstairs.. and we sat at the kitchen table.  And I asked her to draw her dream.  She did.. I asked her to draw the monsters, because I needed to know what they looked like in case they ever tried to show up at my house.  She obliged.  Then, I brought her back to bed and asked her what she planned on dreaming about that would be happy dreams... she responded "Rainbows and Unicorns".

The next morning.. she told me "I had good dreams.. about Rainbows and Unicorns!"

Morning Glory

For those of you that don't me... I am a 30 something Foster Mom, Wife, Student, and (yes AND as if those titles aren't enough) Working Mom.  You can call me M.  I blog over at Hurdles Life, Love & Family. We have three foster children who were placed with us last year.. a sibling set ages 5, 3 and 11 months.   "C"indy is our 5 year old, "B"ella is our 3 year old, and "A"arron is our 11 month old.  Fun ages, but also lots of work.  Our mornings sometimes get in the way of enjoying things, considering I am getting myself and 3 children ready and it definitely isn't the easiest thing to do with a smile and stressfree.  Especially when you are working with children who have PTSD, Anxiety and Anger Issues (well "C"indy and "B"ella)... who knows there might even be some RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) that we are dealing, but we don't have a diagnosis for that.

With our 3 year old (aka Little Girl "B"ella) she can be a peach in the mornings... or she can be amazingly difficult and defiant.  We hear "I TANT!!" over and over again.  There are days when the "I TANTs" can be OVERWHELMING, but you have to get to the root of the "I TANT".  If it is a day that we have a visit with a biological parent.. the "I TANT" is really "I DONT WANNA DOE!" and thus she needs help and comforting.  But on other days.. it is typically and simply "I DONT WANNA DO IT AND YOU TANT MAKE ME!".   Basically it is an ODD moment (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).  There are lots of methods out there to help a child work through their ODD moment, for us and for Bella.. Time Outs work wonders.

Now we have our "Morning Glory" ... Big Girl "C"indy (our 5 year old).  This morning she was in a mood.. woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I am not sure what. 

First she HAD to wear "tight pants" -- basically jeggings, then the "tight pants" were a little bit short, so she need socks that went to her knees.  At this point I used a little L&L (Love and Logic) on her.  "You have two choices.. you can wear the knee socks with jeans, or you can wear these ankle socks with the tight pants.  What do you choose?"  She elected to keep the tight pants on, but threw her T-Shirt (that she had planned on wearing over a pink thermal) onto her bed.  I grabbed her and pulled her close (my version of a Time-In)... "Look at me.  Is pouting and crying helping you right now? Come on breathe." [try saying this calmly... I think the "Come on Breathe" is more for my benefit than hers].. "C"indy kicks and screams... I pull her closer.  More kicking, sobbing, pushing, screaming... again I pull her closer (now she is basically being held like an infant and I am rubbing her back).  She can't calm down, or won't calm down.  I carry downstairs from her room to the living room couch, repeating "What were your choices?" She finally relents and relaxes in my arms and sobs "different pants".  I respond "Okay, so is this helping you at all?" she madly replies "NO!" again breathing and calmly ask "Well, do you think you can get over this? Do you plan on having a happy day or a not happy day?" again with anger she answers "HAPPY!"  I tell her "I am not letting go of you until you are calm and aren't crying, because I think you really need a hug today."  (mind you the time that has elapsed from start to end is about 15-20 minutes before she calms herself down)  CRISIS OVERTED... or so I thought!

We get in the car (everyone is buckled up and I am backing out of the driveway) she sobs "I FORGOT MY T-SHIRT" (well at this point I am already LATE for work.  I tell her (as empathetically as I can muster) "I am sorry, that's a bummer that you forgot your shirt.  What do you think you could have done differntly so that you wouldn't have forgotten it?" again I get an angry response "NOT POUTED!" -- okay I guess the Crisis is not Overted.. CODE RED!! CODE RED!! We get to daycare and I decide.. well I am already late for work.. might as HUG IT OUT!  I attempt to hug her and she starts sobbing again and pushing me away.  The mantra begins again ... "Come on breathe.  Is this helping? What can you do to stop?  Do you plan on having a happy day or a not happy day?" [elapsed time 5-10 minutes.. on the floor of the daycare center... with teachers and students staring at us -- I guess thats a win... sort of]  She even gives me her "special kiss" goodbye (a butterfly kiss).

The thing I have learned this morning... "C"indy needs positive touch and affection, whereas "B"ella will just take the affection/attention she wants.

Now.. onto my breathing.. so now you can ask yourself, as I ask myself :

"Is this going to be a happy day or a not happy day?"  

You can choose!