When "Outsiders" Don't Get it...

What do you do when the rest of the world sees you as something you are not?  Your structure, your discipline, your therapeutic parenting become something they judge, because they don't understand.

We have therapists for our children, we practice unique coping mechanisms to help them deal with their feelings... Sometimes these things when witnessed seem well odd.  Especially, our Permissible Fits (basically, when the kids are having a rough time coping, we allow them to tantrum).  Scream, Stomp their feet, Jump up and Down, Cry, Yell.. get the feelings out.  At times, they can be hesitant and need encouragement... so one way to do it is to coax them by betting they can be louder than me.  And sure enough it works.. granted walking into the middle of this as a "Muggle" you would see a crazy lady and a child tantruming.

The question, I pose is how to get the "Muggles" to maybe not understand these unique parenting methods or coping skills, but to not pass judgment on their either.  I find that I am anger at the judgments made and the comments I've heard.  My children THRIVE on structure.  The structure they receive is from positive reinforcement for their "good" choices, follow through on promises, and even knowing that if they make the wrong choice there will be a consequence.

We employ Love & Logic and Bryan Post's methods, because each method works well only on one child.. we seem to always be trying new tactics to help them and ourselves.  Our goal is for them to have stability - stability they didn't receive in their early years, love - unconditional love, not love when a parent is feeling unloved, and success - complete and total success in all that they choose to do or be.


If only those "Muggles" could see just what we do and give for our children, the nights we have internal conflict over whether or not we handled a situation sufficiently.  The moments in therapy when the child confesses something so heart wrenching you later sit down and cry in silence for them.

So, if you have any techniques, pamphlets or advice I'd love to hear it... because right now I am at the point where I feel like the only thing I can do is turn the other cheek.

A Not So Therapeutic Moment

So you're reading this blog..

And seeing that we cuddle, console, reassure and even coddle our Adopted and/or our Foster Children

And thinking:

"Wow, they are perfect and wonderful people to take on these children and their issues and to handle them so delicately."

I am going to set the record straight, yes we do coddle them and console them and treat them with care.  But there are days that aren't so therapeutic... well that isn't completely accurate.  There are days when coddling and wearing kid gloves won't get through.  There are days when you just need to be blunt, direct, honest and to the point.

We have an issue with rules, following them to be exact.  Our children's birthmom didn't have rules for them, they stayed up all night, ate junk food (if they ate) and did what they pleased.  "C"indy will regularly remind us "Well our birthmom would let us do it.  We didn't have rules with her.  I want to live with her."  This has been going on over week, mostly due to some recent events and we have discussed it therapeutically about why she can't live with her BirthMom.  So last night when it was dinner and "C"indy decided she didn't want to eat what we were having (which then incites a riot with the other two children.. because "C"indy is the oldest).  She pulled the BirthMom card again.  (mind you this converstation is not verbatim, but the context is still there)

My response, "Do you say that because you think it hurts our feelings? Because it doesn't.  So you still need to eat your dinner." 

"C"indy... a flow of tears ensued.

Me, (more calmly) "Why can't you live with your BirthMom?"

"C"indy, "because we need to be safe and have rules"

Me, "That's right, what happens when you don't follow the rules as an adult?"

"C"indy, "you get in jail"

Me, "And is that something you want?"

"C"indy, "No" (tears have subsided)

Me, "You know we all have rules, even adults.  I can't wear flip flops to work and Daddy can't wear jeans to his work.  You think that's silly don't you?"

"C"indy, "Yah"

Me, "But it isn't, its a rule that we have to follow.  So you have to eat your dinner because its heathly, and you need to be healthy and safe."

"C"indy, "Fine"

So there are times, when all the coddling and consoling won't have the same results and we just need to be honest, straightforward and a little bit blunt.

It's All Just a Bad Dream...

How do you tell a child, frightened and alone.. "Don't worry.. It's all just a bad dream?" with a straight face.  How do you look that child in the eyes and say it with complete honesty... knowing that most likely it was more like a "Bad Memory"?

You don't.. you don't tell them it was "just a bad dream".  You just hold them and tell them you love them.

Prior to taking this placement, I had been told that both girls would carry on "from sun up to sun down" about monsters and the like.  The girls would refuse to go to bed and were just inconsolable.  However, we haven't had any issues with bedtime.. well not ANY.. but few issues.  Yes, there are nightmares or night terrors (I am not an expert so I can't tell you the difference).  Yes, there times when both girls would "carry on" but all it took was the comfort of a loving touch (holding, cuddling, rocking)... there are things that happened in their past that allow the "touch" to be sufficient comfort to them.

Our foster children have visits with their birth parents and they also have weekly phone calls.  After a recent phone call, Big Girl woke up drenched in sweat and screaming/crying.  She had a bad dream.. with monsters in it. 

What did I do?  I did not tell her that monsters weren't real.. because I am sorry if a child BELIEVES they exist.. they EXIST.  I brought her downstairs.. and we sat at the kitchen table.  And I asked her to draw her dream.  She did.. I asked her to draw the monsters, because I needed to know what they looked like in case they ever tried to show up at my house.  She obliged.  Then, I brought her back to bed and asked her what she planned on dreaming about that would be happy dreams... she responded "Rainbows and Unicorns".

The next morning.. she told me "I had good dreams.. about Rainbows and Unicorns!"

Morning Glory

For those of you that don't me... I am a 30 something Foster Mom, Wife, Student, and (yes AND as if those titles aren't enough) Working Mom.  You can call me M.  I blog over at Hurdles Life, Love & Family. We have three foster children who were placed with us last year.. a sibling set ages 5, 3 and 11 months.   "C"indy is our 5 year old, "B"ella is our 3 year old, and "A"arron is our 11 month old.  Fun ages, but also lots of work.  Our mornings sometimes get in the way of enjoying things, considering I am getting myself and 3 children ready and it definitely isn't the easiest thing to do with a smile and stressfree.  Especially when you are working with children who have PTSD, Anxiety and Anger Issues (well "C"indy and "B"ella)... who knows there might even be some RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) that we are dealing, but we don't have a diagnosis for that.

With our 3 year old (aka Little Girl "B"ella) she can be a peach in the mornings... or she can be amazingly difficult and defiant.  We hear "I TANT!!" over and over again.  There are days when the "I TANTs" can be OVERWHELMING, but you have to get to the root of the "I TANT".  If it is a day that we have a visit with a biological parent.. the "I TANT" is really "I DONT WANNA DOE!" and thus she needs help and comforting.  But on other days.. it is typically and simply "I DONT WANNA DO IT AND YOU TANT MAKE ME!".   Basically it is an ODD moment (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).  There are lots of methods out there to help a child work through their ODD moment, for us and for Bella.. Time Outs work wonders.

Now we have our "Morning Glory" ... Big Girl "C"indy (our 5 year old).  This morning she was in a mood.. woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I am not sure what. 

First she HAD to wear "tight pants" -- basically jeggings, then the "tight pants" were a little bit short, so she need socks that went to her knees.  At this point I used a little L&L (Love and Logic) on her.  "You have two choices.. you can wear the knee socks with jeans, or you can wear these ankle socks with the tight pants.  What do you choose?"  She elected to keep the tight pants on, but threw her T-Shirt (that she had planned on wearing over a pink thermal) onto her bed.  I grabbed her and pulled her close (my version of a Time-In)... "Look at me.  Is pouting and crying helping you right now? Come on breathe." [try saying this calmly... I think the "Come on Breathe" is more for my benefit than hers].. "C"indy kicks and screams... I pull her closer.  More kicking, sobbing, pushing, screaming... again I pull her closer (now she is basically being held like an infant and I am rubbing her back).  She can't calm down, or won't calm down.  I carry downstairs from her room to the living room couch, repeating "What were your choices?" She finally relents and relaxes in my arms and sobs "different pants".  I respond "Okay, so is this helping you at all?" she madly replies "NO!" again breathing and calmly ask "Well, do you think you can get over this? Do you plan on having a happy day or a not happy day?" again with anger she answers "HAPPY!"  I tell her "I am not letting go of you until you are calm and aren't crying, because I think you really need a hug today."  (mind you the time that has elapsed from start to end is about 15-20 minutes before she calms herself down)  CRISIS OVERTED... or so I thought!

We get in the car (everyone is buckled up and I am backing out of the driveway) she sobs "I FORGOT MY T-SHIRT" (well at this point I am already LATE for work.  I tell her (as empathetically as I can muster) "I am sorry, that's a bummer that you forgot your shirt.  What do you think you could have done differntly so that you wouldn't have forgotten it?" again I get an angry response "NOT POUTED!" -- okay I guess the Crisis is not Overted.. CODE RED!! CODE RED!! We get to daycare and I decide.. well I am already late for work.. might as HUG IT OUT!  I attempt to hug her and she starts sobbing again and pushing me away.  The mantra begins again ... "Come on breathe.  Is this helping? What can you do to stop?  Do you plan on having a happy day or a not happy day?" [elapsed time 5-10 minutes.. on the floor of the daycare center... with teachers and students staring at us -- I guess thats a win... sort of]  She even gives me her "special kiss" goodbye (a butterfly kiss).

The thing I have learned this morning... "C"indy needs positive touch and affection, whereas "B"ella will just take the affection/attention she wants.

Now.. onto my breathing.. so now you can ask yourself, as I ask myself :

"Is this going to be a happy day or a not happy day?"  

You can choose!



Sometimes they have to remind you!

Last night my daughter (age 10) had a friend over for "Girl Scouts".  (She was in a troop for two months, but it turned out to be too much for her to handle, so we've recently switched to her and her best friend having their own little meetings.)   I didn't plan it out well and the girls got kind of crazy and messy.   I started getting stressed about them cleaning up the mess so we could get her friend home, shower and get to bed on time.  As with most kids of trauma, routine is a big deal to my daughter.   Because I was stressed and rushing her, she got doubly stressed.   We got her friend home and then repeated the whole situation as I was nagging and pushing her to hurry up and get in the shower.

Finally, she looked at me and said, "You always tell me to take my time so I don't get stressed, but you keep rushing me today.  I think you should do what you always tell me to do and stop, take a deep breath and relax!"

She was so right!!!   I was so focused on keeping her on her routine that I lost site of being the calm, steady, therapuetic mom she needs.  I was so excited that she could verbalize that to me and help me remember.

So I became a S.T.A.R. (stop, take a deep breath and relax), thanked her, gave her a big hug, then she took her shower and got ready for bed.

I work in the field of early childhood education and am a big fan of Dr. Becky Bailey's Conscious Discipline Method.  Conscious Discipline is based on brain research of how we handle stressful situations and is all about strengthening social-emotional skills.  The symbols below coordinate with some simple relaxation exercises she has.  The first is the "Be a S.T.A.R" that my daughter reminded me of: stop (or smile), take a deep breath, and relax.  The balloon, drain and pretzel are also great techniques for getting rid of some tension and taking a moment to regroup.   While Dr. Bailey's stuff is largely used in classrooms, it works great at home with traumatized children.  I encourage you to check out her website because there are lots of FREE tools on it that you can print to use at home including posters of the relaxation techniques and a feelings chart.

Last Mom

http://www.lastmom.blogspot.com/